A number of you have asked about the extraordinary Allotment Committee meeting trailed in the last edition of The Examiner. The meeting was last week and I trust you will agree that for all right minded people it was one to miss!

With mixed feelings I am sharing a further set of extracts from the latest edition of The Examiner which covers the meeting and subsequent events in Smallton. I have no wish to attract the sort of criticism currently being levelled at the script writers of the Archers and am very aware of the potential consequences to my reputation of forwarding contentious political views dressed up as satire.

So this will be our last visit to Smallton ………. for a while.

SMALLTON and HEDGE END EXAMINER

No story too tall, no muck spread without malice

CHIEF CONSTABLE CONDEMNS VERMIN VIGILANTISM

By Reginald E Porter, Chief Crime and Police Correspondent

The Chief Constable has warned that the arming of ‘gung-ho gardeners’ to directly confront the threat posed by vermin on the town allotments will not be tolerated and that The Force will undertake regular patrols to ensure the maintenance of law and order. She made it clear that ‘This was a job for the authorities and that allotmenteers should not take the law into their own hands.’

This statement was issued after tempers flared at the extraordinary public meeting of the Allotment Committee (see report below) when council representatives blamed the cuts for the loss of the local authority Vermin Control Service. A tender process is ongoing to contract with a private provider.

Once it became apparent that regulations forbade allotment holders to kill vermin themselves a vociferous group from Hedge End vowed to break away from the Town Allotment Association and to set up their own vermin control force.

Following the meeting Neville Borage, spokesperson for the HEXIT campaign, stated that the time had come for Hedge Enders to take back control of their own allotments and to ensure that ‘out of touch bureaucrats’ did not threaten their horticultural independence. ‘Hedge Enders must be free to shoot, poison and gas in the defence of their land and their way of life’.

In response Cllr. John Innes, Executive Member for Parks and Amenities, gave a statement to The Examiner to say that splitting the Allotment Association at such a time would ‘threaten the wellbeing of all gardeners and that there were many benefits to be had from a united front – not least of which are the discounts available at the allotment shop that are possible only through bulk buying.’

The Chief Constable has declined to comment on whether police patrols would be armed and if so whether police officers would be prepared to shoot the rats themselves.

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UPROAR AT ALLOTMENT COMMITTEE

By Reginald E Porter, Chief Horticultural Correspondent

An extraordinary public meeting of the Allotment Committee had to be abandoned when furious allotmenteers from Hedge End threatened to take the control of vermin into their own hands in a move that would directly contravene Allotment Association Regulations.

The meeting had been convened at short notice to consider the recent vermin depredation of 11 broad bean seedlings and to put pressure on the Town Council to take speedy action. The day after the outrage a rat had been seen skulking along allotment 336 ‘in broad daylight’ and questions were raised as to where this was going to end – ‘runners were due to be planted in the next few weeks and allotmenteers need to know whether they are safe in going about their legitimate business.’

Mr Dewflower from the Smallton Rodent Refuge questioned whether there was any evidence that this rat was responsible for the destruction of the seedlings asking whether ‘the rat was actually seen carrying the seedlings off and did the sighting of one rat justify the growing hysteria about vermin?’

Amid shouts of ‘the only good rat is a dead rat’ Mr. Trench, whose destroyed seedlings had initiated events leading to the growing public outcry, left the meeting muttering to himself.

Ms. Sinead Head, Chief Officer Allotments and Parks, explained that central government cuts had resulted in the Town Rat Catcher being made redundant. In order to provide a high quality vermin control service that was both responsive to the needs of the community and ensured value for money for council tax payers, a tender process was ongoing to contract with a private company to deliver the service.

When pressed from the floor Ms. Head acknowledged that the process had, to date, been unsuccessful in attracting any tenders which credibly set out to meet the performance criteria set out in the contract.

Amid a rising tide of anger and derision a number of allotment holders proposed to form their own vermin control group, using poison and where necessary sharpshooters to eradicate the menace.

Ms. Head, shouting above the tumult, reminded the meeting that Allotment Association Regulations expressly forbad allotment holders to store / deploy poison or to use firearms and that any such activity would be reported to the police.

At this point the mood of the meeting turned ugly, with shouts of ‘Disgraceful’ and ‘Resign’ accompanied by a shower of rotting compost being thrown at the platform. Cllr. Innes (Allotment Committee Chair) abandoned the meeting.

Following this, on the steps of the Allotment Hut, Mr. Neville Borage, representing HEXIT, explained that the group had .22 rifles, poison and gas supplies to ensure the effectiveness of patrols. He stated that as most of the vermin came from the town end of the allotments it is proposed to build a wire mesh fence to ensure Hedge End plots could be adequately protected. ‘It’s about taking back control of our own gardens and stopping this out of control influx of vermin!’

Hedge End Allotment Holders will vote on whether to leave the Town Allotment Association on the 23rd of June.