Elephant in the cold frame? – more like ‘Mastodon crashing through the raspberry canes’ when this explodes across the front pages tomorrow. So I see no point in holding back the inside info any longer – remember you read this story here first!!

SPOILER ALERT – This is the last of 4 episodes chronicling the predation of 9 broad bean plants on Allotment 335. Episode 1 was posted on 20th April 2016 (below).

The week began badly with The Examiner printing the following letter from ‘Concerned of Crookesmoor’:

As a non gardener I don’t in the normal run of things feel qualified to contribute to horticultural debate but, clearly, things have gone way beyond broad bean versus crafty rodent. I fear the city is sleep-walking into greenfingered gunlaw. What next? AK-47s to guard strawberries from marauding crows? Drone strikes on delinquent aphids?

Sheffielders – ignore this slide into vigilantism at your peril! Yes, today it’s just broad beans, rats and air rifles but violence is its own escalator. All sides of this dispute should be locked in a room without food, water or gardening magazines until a solution has been hammered out and allotment armageddon averted.

The truly shocking import of this letter was in the news that the vermin vitriol has spread from Smallton (a town so small no-one knows where it is) to Sheffield, a large important city in England (although admittedly not important enough ever to be shown on TV weather maps).

A reliable source has indicated that the Prime Minister has written to Smallton Town Council to question their decision to outsource the rat catcher role. Understandably the media are going to have a field day with this given where the Local Authority funding cuts initiated! We must all be concerned that this development will result in national politicians feeling obliged to get involved and make helpful comments about who is to blame. Moreover, I predict that it won’t be long before the President of the United States is over here giving us some harsh horticultural home truths about the role of allotment associations in the Global Order (and ensuring the maintenance of the highly lucrative market in stock-piled US weed killer from the late 1960s / early 70s). It doesn’t take a genius to see in all this the makings of serious international consequences. In fact being a genius might well be a hinderance in this.

The only ray of light than I can see  is that as far as I am aware Hedge End is not near Russia and has never been used  as route for its invasion. It is unlikely  that Russia will feel threatened by these developments and moved to provide the necessary ordinance for the defence of the breakaway plots. It is to be hoped therefore that we will be spared the embarrassment of watching the leader of the free world seeking to identify ‘moderate elements’ in Hedge End to arm in response. On current evidence such elements maybe difficult to find!

Anyway, with the national media kicking in, my work here is done. Thank you all very much for receiving, reading and contributing to this story.