Man about the house bag

A Mrs. Trellis of North Wales writes:

E. Brynk

Huntermouse Road

South Yorkshire

E. Trellis (Mrs)

Mornington Crescent

North Wales

Dear Enver,

My husband (Mr. Trellis) and I are regular visitors to your blog site, providing as it does exquisite parody – the epitome of the dreadful being perversely rather good. We often have a good laugh when reading or listening to it whilst we use The Guardian opinion section to line the cat’s litter tray.

I want to draw your attention to a product that has completely transformed the life of Mr. Trellis and saved a marriage that was beginning to sound like a charade. You’ve only got to look at what happened to Sven and Samantha over the road! Admittedly they had a number of long standing issues but that is none of my business.

We live in a three story Victorian house, four if you count the cellar – and I do! Mr. Trellis has a good number of items which he deems essential for the carrying out of daily tasks. These comprise: 3 pairs of glasses, mobile phone, wallet, diary, notepad, clipboard, document case and pencil case (pencils, pens, rubbers, memory stick and mini staple gun). He has an office / studio on the top floor and in moving up and down between floors was regularly finding himself without an essential item for whatever task he was undertaking. The right pair of glasses, diary, mobile phone etc always seemed to be on another floor. What would follow would be a lot of grumpy stomping up and down the stairs – with no guarantee that he would assemble all the necessary items at the right place at the first attempt. He would then moan about having to do silly things, explete words that have no place in the Uxbridge English Dictionary and become generally unbearable. I don’t mind telling you it would fair give me the humph and on more than one occasion I threatened to throw all his ‘stuff’ into the river Dee.

It was Samantha who came up with a way forward after her lodger Colin threatened to move out saying he might as well sell his piano and take a kazoo up the swanee as he couldn’t concentrate with all the shouting from across the road. She invited Mr. Trellis over to use her computer to search for a solution whilst she sat on his left hand to guide and encourage him.

Between them they came across the accessories company Penellope Suzanne of Gatwick and Cowes who sell a ‘man about the house bag’ specifically for men of a certain age who live in tall houses. This has enabled Mr. Trellis to carry all his essential items with him from room to room and floor to floor – and to do so in a much calmer, happier manner. He often goes about singing, although he often seems to get the words of one song mixed up with the tune of another – but hey I think the whole street will take that.

Some of our friends have bought the man about the house bag after seeing its efficacious impact on task efficiency and marital harmony. Hamish and Dougal ordered one each after their embarrassment at arriving late for tea at ours. Apparently they had both mislaid their diaries and couldn’t remember the time.

I do hope you will share our wonderful sexperience with your readers and supporters.

Kind regards

E

PS I do hope Mrs. Brynk is well.

— x —

Well what could an editorial board do after a request like that? We contacted Penellope Suzanne of Gatwick and Cowes and sure enough they do sell man about the house bags and their strapline is indeed ‘for the man of a certain age who lives in a tall house.’ They sent us the following promotional material and although our general policy is not to endorse specific commercial items we felt, on this occasion, that an exception was in order.

The bag actually comprises two bags, an outer for carrying objects such as glasses, wallet, pencil case etc and an inner for diaries, notebooks, clip board and papers.

The outer bag also has a handy little pocket for a mobile phone.

When it comes to carrying, the man about the house bag is super versatile, providing three options.

Firstly, the grab the handles in a manly fashion:

Secondly the arm crook approach, a nice cross gender touch, leaving one hand free for a cup of coffee and the other to hold onto the banisters as you traverse up and down the house:

And finally, the shoulder carry, leaving both hands completely free:

The perfect gift for any old Giffer.